When I first started my business, I was working with an organisation that was conducting team appraisals for a pharmacy group. My task was to meet with all the employees to get an understanding of their wants and needs within the team and to pass on any concerns.
One team member was clearly angry. When I asked her what the problem was, she replied:
“I never get school holidays off. Sally does and so does Maria and she doesn’t even have kids! I have two children, and I NEVER get school holidays – it’s not fair!”
“Hmmm…” I replied, “I can see this is upsetting for you. Who have you spoken to about this?”
“Nobody!” she said.
“Okay, so you are expecting them to be a mind reader?”
Yes, I admit, not my best work — and a little aggressive to boot!
We all have a different tolerance level for confrontation. For some people, asking for what they want and need feels aggressive.
The goal is to communicate assertively.
Assertive communication is clear, confident, and respectful.
The Four Communication Styles
1. Assertive Communication — Clear and Respectful
Characteristics:
- Expresses thoughts, feelings, and needs honestly while respecting others
- Uses direct, polite, and confident speech
- Maintains open body language and eye contact
- Listens actively and engages in two-way conversations
Example:
Sarah approaches her manager with a friendly tone and says:
“Hey James, can we have a quick chat about leave? School holidays are coming up and I’d like to spend some time with my children.”
Why It Works:
Sarah’s request is direct, polite, and clear. She respects James while advocating for her own needs, making it likely that James will respond positively.
2. Passive-Aggressive Communication — Unclear and Disrespectful
Characteristics:
- Appears passive but acts out in subtle, negative ways
- Uses sarcasm, muttering, or exaggerated sighs
- Avoids direct confrontation but expresses dissatisfaction indirectly
- Builds resentment over time
Example:
Instead of asking your manager directly, you sigh loudly at the team meeting and say under your breath:
“Wow, must be nice to have holidays whenever you want.”
Why It’s Problematic:
This indirect approach creates tension without solving the issue. Your manager may not even know that you wanted leave, leading to further frustration.
3. Aggressive Communication — Clear and Disrespectful
Characteristics:
- Expresses opinions forcefully, often at the expense of others
- Uses a loud voice, strong gestures, or an accusatory tone
- Disregards others’ feelings and prioritizes personal needs
- Often leads to conflict and resentment
Example:
You approach your manager and say in an irritated tone:
“Hey! James. What are you thinking giving leave to Maria this week? What about me?”
Why It’s Problematic:
This approach puts the other person on the defensive. Even if they give you what you want, the interaction is tense and could lead to unnecessary conflict.
4. Passive Communication — Unclear and Respectful
Characteristics:
- Hesitates to express thoughts, feelings, or needs
- Prioritizes others’ comfort over their own
- Uses soft, uncertain language or avoids speaking altogether
- Builds internal resentment due to unspoken frustrations
Example:
You are frustrated that you do not have leave during school holidays, but instead of saying anything, you walk away thinking:
“I don’t want to bother them.”
Why It’s Problematic:
By not speaking up, your need remains unmet. You feel frustrated, but the other person is unaware — making it unlikely that the situation will change.
Reflect and Empower
Take a moment to reflect on your own communication style. Are you expressing your needs effectively? If not, it’s never too late to start making changes.
Empower yourself and others by practicing assertive communication — it’s the key to building stronger connections and achieving your goals.
- Persuasion’s Evil Twin - April 17, 2025
- Everything Starts with Assertive Communication - March 28, 2025
- We Cannot Not Communicate - March 21, 2025
