I once heard that the difference between extroverts and introverts is that extroverts tend to go “Speak, speak… think” and introverts tend to go “Think, think… speak”.
Guess which camp I fall into?
Yes, I suffer from foot-in-mouth disease. Sometimes this can be funny and entertaining, and sometimes it can be embarrassing to me and hurtful to others.
Viktor Frankl said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
As a survivor of raising teenage boys, I have learnt to pause and choose my battles.
Comedian Craig Ferguson said it took him three marriages to learn to self-check himself before responding.
He asks himself these three questions:
Does this need to be said?
Does this need to be said by me?
Does this need to be said by me, now?
Here’s how it works at home
You hear your son laughing at a sexist joke:
Does this need to be said?
• Yes, he needs to understand how sexist jokes belittle women.
Does this need to be said by me?
• Yep, I’m a woman and his mum.
Does this need to be said by me, now?
• No. I need to wait until we can calmly discuss this, and I don’t want to exacerbate the situation by embarrassing him in front of his friends
Here’s how it works in the workplace
You are on a building site, and you see a staff member using equipment incorrectly.
Does this need to be said?
• Yes, something needs to be said
Does this need to be said by me?
• Yes, I am their supervisor
Does this need to be said by me, now?
• Yes, I need to act quickly as there is a risk of injury
By expanding the gap between stimulus and response we can learn to lean back, observe, and choose the right course of action to get the results we need.
You can watch Craig Ferguson explain it hilariously here.
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